Depression

I had my first depressive episode when I was 15. I didn't know what had hit me I just no longer had any purpose. I felt completely lost to the world.

Now when I think about that period of my life it seems like a dream because it is so hazy in my mind, I don't remember being alive that year I just remember how dark it was.

Since then I've had two more depressive episodes and have been admitted to hospital twice. Feeling depressed is like being trapped in a small, black claustrophobic box, where the sides are sharp and stick into you but you continue to struggle against the walls of the box trying to escape and sometimes it just seems to hard.

I wouldn't kill myself but sometimes it just seems like the nicest option because life is just so terrible. I want life to be more than this I want it to feel more like I'm living, I just have to keep working towards getting there.

I'm twenty years old now and feel like its time things got sorted out. I need to start living, I need to start coping with the challenges life throws my way. Its time for things to improve.

I'll probably be on medication for the rest of my life but if it helps me exist then I'm happy to take it. I have work to do but I'm proud of myself for doing the work I have already done, I've taken steps towards getting better and I should think of that as an achievement.

In addition to my medication I also see a psychiatrist and psychologist who I find really helpful and I have really supportive family and friends, so while I suffer from such a horrible illness I'm lucky I have so much help and sometimes just remembering I have people to turn to makes me feel better on crap days.

I still feel like crap most of the time but every now and then I have a great day and I look at those days as signs of recovery.